Seven years!

I got an email from a fellow adoptive parent who had been referred to my blog. After answering her email, I scanned back through my blog. My first entry was August 23rd, 2007. So much has happened during that time, yet so much is the same. I read with dismay the beginning of Noelle's health journey. I read posts written years ago that could have been written today about the stress I often feel. I read with great joy the journey of our family. It is especially fun to follow the years through pictures.

Has anyone turned their blog into a book? Which service did you use?

Ramblings

This is getting really long. Being here. I miss my family, friends, house, ice maker, filtered water….. I miss a lot of things from my life and Noelle's.

Please keep Noelle in your prayers. May will be a rough month. Think of all the things that seniors normally do this time of year and remember all that Noelle is missing and will have to battle through:( Tough stuff.

Another thing we found out during our appointment on Friday is that one of the patients that Noelle has received treatment alongside passed away. It is so sad. His name was Terry. He loved his wife and kids so much. He loved to talk about them. He was finishing up treatment for cancer. His death had nothing to do with Envita. He died from a complication from his cancer surgery.

I need to value every day. Even as we sit day after day in this room. We are here. We have each other. Kiss your loved ones.

Over and over I am being told to be thankful. Lord, help me to praise you in the midst of all of this. Help me to see your blessings. Help me to learn what you want me to learn.

Roller Coaster

Honestly, Noelle and I both love roller coasters. But I think we are both ready to get off this ride. It is full of ups and downs, emotionally and physically. Saturday morning I was excited when Noelle woke up and said that she wanted to go to the zoo.

It was an obvious wheelchair day. Noelle has been in a lot of pain. Our intention was that she would do a combination of walking and riding. That did not happen. She was in so much pain it was hard to watch her try to stand a few times to see the animals better.

I think we both returned to the hotel tired. It is hard to push a wheelchair for hours, especially up and down hills. The world does not realize how handicapped unfriendly it truly is. Opening animal gates, gravel surfaces, etc. make it exhausting. Then Noelle's pain became excruciating. It has done that a lot lately. Usually legs, sometimes arms. It is awful to watch her cry in pain and be able to do NOTHING. I have had to help her out of bed and to the bathroom multiple times this weekend.

As we left the zoo Noelle commented that all the people we were around had no idea how good they have it. You never do until you lose it. Just to be able to walk without pain. I feel so sad for the experiences that Noelle is missing. For the fact that leaving her bed is an achievement a lot of days. I pray and beg God to heal her, to give her back the life that she once had. I know that she will be an even better person than she was because of all she has had to endure.

We both lament the things that were, the things we would like to be. We are lucky to have many people that write and encourage us. Thank you so much! It means so much to us. I was reminded in one note of all that I miss about who I was. I struggle so much not to questions God. I struggle to find joy.

This is what I read: "I remember laughter and joy and such a deep desire among you to chase after and serve the Lord with your whole life. I pray you sense still that He is the God of all and how much you radiate His love."

I don't feel like I radiate His love any more. I feel like I am stuck in a survival mode. I feel like I am good at one thing right now. I do feel like I am a good caretaker. But I cannot handle more. Or at least I haven't figured that out. I desire to still be a good wife and mother to our other kids. I want to be a good friend. I miss serving others. My social anxieties have increased throughout this journey. It makes it hard to socialize when that opportunity presents itself. Scott said that he was having people over for dinner Friday and Saturday night and I honestly feel anxious every time I think about it, and I am obviously not even there! Once I would have said hospitality was one of my gifts.

Scott appears to be thriving without me home. It makes me wonder why I am so inadequate. Why I cannot handle more. One crisis and I am down for the count. I really want to know what God is trying to teach me. I need to learn more quickly. This drawn out process is killing me.

Say a prayer for every caretaker in your life right now. I cannot imagine those who have served in this capacity for years, decades. I need your prayers to reclaim the joy in my life. We need you to continue to stand with us in prayer and encouragement as we walk this path that God has allowed us to journey. Continue to pray specifically for Noelle's pain and anxiety. Friday marked the end of week 3. Weeks 4 and 5 are supposed to be the worst. SCARY! Our next doctor's appointment is on Thursday. We expect to have more test results at that time.

Wanderings

I feel like I never post anything of any depth any more.  It feels like my thoughts are to shattered and negative to share sometimes.  Most of all I feel too negative, like I am in a battle for survival.  Some days I feel like I am losing.  Why can't I be less stressed?  More joyful?

Noelle's migraines and resulting missed school fall heavy on me.  They now say she has Chronic Daily Headaches.  Which apparently are harder to control than migraines.  The goal is to lessen the "bad" ones (the migraines).  We are trying a chiropractic neurologist and she is scheduled for botox in May.  It is said to relieve symptoms in about half the teenagers who have tried it to manage headaches.  She actually made it to five days of school in a row.  Four one week and then on Monday.  Probably the first time since the semester began.  I believe she has missed 17 days of school and countless social occasions.  She would really like to go out for soccer at school but can her body handle it?

People sometimes act as if Jake is "off my plate".  In some ways I feel like I "worry" about him the most.  He is making such important decisions right now.

And, Teme.  I praise the Lord every day that he and Scott have the special relationship that they do.  It feels as if our relationship is such a battle.  It brings me back to the all important "Five Love Languages" that Scott and I read so long ago.  He and Teme have practically identical love languages.  Not me.  Which has always made it a little tough for Scott and I.  You have to think about expressing your feelings a little more.  But it is really hard with this young man, my son.  I find myself when I talk to others about him, showing great excitement and affection but I don't know that he sees that:(  It feels especially tough because the bar that I have set for our relationship is very high.  I feel inseparable from the other three.  Our hearts are truly knit together.  Is that possible for Teme and I?  And how do I go on if it is not?

Sabrina is indescribable.  She is amazing.  But...she wears me out.  And I continue to read about other adoptive families that continue to do more and adopt again and I feel like a failure that two  adopted children have frazzled me.  I need to remember what I told my dad when he questioned our second adoption.  He said "there will always be another kid".  And I said,"but we know about this one".  God has not opened our eyes to another one.  And I selfishly think, hopefully He won't, I can't handle it.

See I try to talk about myself and my feelings and all there is are thoughts about the kids.  I feel like I have been lost.  There isn't much of me left and I was so much more balanced and interesting when I had my own life.  Then I wonder if that is selfish.  Then I wonder when do I have time.  Then I wonder what on earth do I add back in first.  I have lost my Bible Study, my exercise, most of my friends, my chances to volunteer, to do theater.  And so many other things.  Right now I struggle to read the Word and do Yoga, at home, occasionally.

Yesterday, God provided a wonderful ADULT conversation for me.  I stopped for coffee and was blessed to chat with another believer and I actually think some of my smarts came out.  It was a great pleasure.

Off to preschool.

Last snow...hopefully

Always hard to capture God's artistry,

but this tree was so beautiful especially 

with the leftover Christmas lights:)

Say What??

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YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!! No offense to the Duggars...but they get a TV show and the Twietmeyers get a NO????

Finally...

someone captures my feelings! Before we added Teme to our family, everyone with a larger family told us..."after three it doesn't really matter". Implied to me was doesn't add stress, doesn't get more difficult, etc. When reading a Reader's Digest my mom passed on to me I found my feelings captured.

"If you want to know what it's like to have a fourth kid, just imagine you're drowning and someone hands you a fourth kid."

Please don't be offended, it was on the LAUGH!:) page!