Nine days ago I rented Noelle a wheelchair. Not because of a passing injury that will heal. We have no time schedule. Her pain is so intense and her fatigue so overwhelming that if we want to leave our home she needs a wheelchair. Sometimes it is bad enough that I carry her up and down our stairs. My heart breaks as she begs me to take her to watch her soccer team play. I load she, her sister, the wheelchair, and blankets into the car. I push her over grass and other obstacles and watch her, watch her friends run. I don't understand, Lord.
Almost two weeks ago we met with Noelle's teachers. We dropped three classes hoping she could manage four of them. Since that day she has been to school once. Yesterday I emailed her guidance counselor to withdraw her from classes. This can't be happening. She is the one with desire, a plan, study skills!!! She wants to be a nurse. She wants to get a 4.0. She is so social. Now she cannot concentrate. I mourn with her. I pray that this delay in her plans, her dreams, is short. Some days it is almost unbearable. But I am supposed to be the strong one. I pray her friends will take notice that she is missing from their circle and will love her, invite her, text her. I don't understand, Lord.
Sometimes I think about the words "chronically ill". Do I have a chronically ill child?
-continuing a long time or recurring frequently
-having long had a disease or weakness
-having long duration.
I guess four plus years of battling symptoms counts. I guess spending the last month mostly in bed counts. I don't understand, Lord.
I don't know how to mother a chronically ill child. I love her so much. Those of you without an ill child are saying that is enough. Those of you with experience...any ideas? How do I leave her to do things? How do I encourage her without pressuring her? How do I deal with seeing her in pain every day?? How do I have enough left for Scott, Jake, Teme and Sabrina?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND, LORD!!