Monday, October 22, 2012

Two Worrisome W's

Nine days ago I rented Noelle a wheelchair.  Not because of a passing injury that will heal.  We have no time schedule.  Her pain is so intense and her fatigue so overwhelming that if we want to leave our home she needs a wheelchair.  Sometimes it is bad enough that I carry her up and down our stairs.  My heart breaks as she begs me to take her to watch her soccer team play.  I load she, her sister, the wheelchair, and blankets into the car.  I push her over grass and other obstacles and watch her, watch her friends run.  I don't understand, Lord.

Almost two weeks ago we met with Noelle's teachers.  We dropped three classes hoping she could manage four of them.  Since that day she has been to school once.  Yesterday I emailed her guidance counselor to withdraw her from classes.  This can't be happening.  She is the one with desire, a plan, study skills!!!  She wants to be a nurse.  She wants to get  a 4.0.  She is so social.  Now she cannot concentrate.  I mourn with her.  I pray that this delay in her plans, her dreams, is short.  Some days it is almost unbearable.  But I am supposed to be the strong one.  I pray her friends will take notice that she is missing from their circle and will love her, invite her, text her.  I don't understand, Lord.

Sometimes I think about the words "chronically ill".  Do I have a chronically ill child?

-continuing a long time or recurring frequently
-having long had a disease or weakness
-having long duration.

I guess four plus years of battling symptoms counts.  I guess spending the last month mostly in bed counts.  I don't understand, Lord.

I don't know how to mother a chronically ill child.  I love her so much.  Those of you without an ill child are saying that is enough.  Those of you with experience...any ideas?  How do I leave her to do things?  How do I encourage her without pressuring her?  How do I deal with seeing her in pain every day??  How do I have enough left for Scott, Jake, Teme and Sabrina?


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