I feel like I never post anything of any depth any more. It feels like my thoughts are to shattered and negative to share sometimes. Most of all I feel too negative, like I am in a battle for survival. Some days I feel like I am losing. Why can't I be less stressed? More joyful?
Noelle's migraines and resulting missed school fall heavy on me. They now say she has Chronic Daily Headaches. Which apparently are harder to control than migraines. The goal is to lessen the "bad" ones (the migraines). We are trying a chiropractic neurologist and she is scheduled for botox in May. It is said to relieve symptoms in about half the teenagers who have tried it to manage headaches. She actually made it to five days of school in a row. Four one week and then on Monday. Probably the first time since the semester began. I believe she has missed 17 days of school and countless social occasions. She would really like to go out for soccer at school but can her body handle it?
People sometimes act as if Jake is "off my plate". In some ways I feel like I "worry" about him the most. He is making such important decisions right now.
And, Teme. I praise the Lord every day that he and Scott have the special relationship that they do. It feels as if our relationship is such a battle. It brings me back to the all important "Five Love Languages" that Scott and I read so long ago. He and Teme have practically identical love languages. Not me. Which has always made it a little tough for Scott and I. You have to think about expressing your feelings a little more. But it is really hard with this young man, my son. I find myself when I talk to others about him, showing great excitement and affection but I don't know that he sees that:( It feels especially tough because the bar that I have set for our relationship is very high. I feel inseparable from the other three. Our hearts are truly knit together. Is that possible for Teme and I? And how do I go on if it is not?
Sabrina is indescribable. She is amazing. But...she wears me out. And I continue to read about other adoptive families that continue to do more and adopt again and I feel like a failure that two adopted children have frazzled me. I need to remember what I told my dad when he questioned our second adoption. He said "there will always be another kid". And I said,"but we know about this one". God has not opened our eyes to another one. And I selfishly think, hopefully He won't, I can't handle it.
See I try to talk about myself and my feelings and all there is are thoughts about the kids. I feel like I have been lost. There isn't much of me left and I was so much more balanced and interesting when I had my own life. Then I wonder if that is selfish. Then I wonder when do I have time. Then I wonder what on earth do I add back in first. I have lost my Bible Study, my exercise, most of my friends, my chances to volunteer, to do theater. And so many other things. Right now I struggle to read the Word and do Yoga, at home, occasionally.
Yesterday, God provided a wonderful ADULT conversation for me. I stopped for coffee and was blessed to chat with another believer and I actually think some of my smarts came out. It was a great pleasure.
Off to preschool.