Hopefully the process of sorting out my thoughts and emotions for this entry will be therapuetic. Monday was sort of a down day. I felt discouraged by the adoption process, seems like all the news is bad news...more on that later. Our house is a disaster. I used to love my house. I still like my bedroom, the kitchen and our basement, remodeled a year or two ago. But the rest of it just fell apart, with some assistance from a twelve pound terror of a dog and two active kids. All of a sudden everything seems old and in disrepair. Not something I am good at ignoring. However, it takes time, energy and money to solve these issues. And a willing partner, hey Scott, is helpful as well.
So that was Monday. Tuesday started out OK. I made it to Bible Study and had lunch with my mentee, Corah. I even got to climb in the tubes at Burger King with her son, Elijah. It always does my heart good to play. I felt like God, and Beth Moore, had a word for me. Beth said to "go with you last clear word from God". Since I have felt like we are floundering in this adoption process, that made sense. I have said I don't feel called to give up, in fact, I haven't even felt a strong nudge to change agencies despite everything. But I know that when we started this process, GOD CALLED US TO ADOPT FROM LIBERIA! So the only other word I have recieved is...WAIT.
"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord: be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope."
"O Israel, how can you say the Lord does not see your troubles: How can you say God refused to hear your case? Have you never heard or understood? Don't you know that the Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth? He never grows faint or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; he offers strength to the weak. Even youths will become exhausted , and young men will give up. But those who wait on the Lord will find new strengh. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint."
"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
Do you know what is funny? I thought that making the decision to adopt was the hard part. I thought that we decided, we did our part of the leg work, AoH did their part, we accepted a referral and we brought our child home. I was not prepared for the stops and starts, the hills and valleys. An update of the valleys: there are rumors that AoH will be shut down, there are rumors that adoptions in Liberia will be stopped, there are rumors that travel time will be changed to three weeks, Adopt International is not accepting more applications until they process their pilot families (which effectively takes away that option for now). It seems as if every time I read my email there is more bad news.
Today there was a post that said that AoH has given out five referrals. But if we received a call what would we do. Could we handle the ride through uncertainty if we accepted? I pray that God would continue to give Scott and I unity as we approach each crossroads. I am feeling led to commit this process more to the Lord. That may sound silly at this point, but with Lent in the back of my mind I wonder if I should be fasting. Side note: I have always struggled with fasting because of the whole diet thing. I never feel like I can commit to fasting without thinking, "Oh, and I might lose weight while I'm at it." Oh well, something else for me to ponder.
Well, I just got off the phone with my mother -in- law and she reminded me that there is a world out there in crisis. China is having blizzards and the south is having tornadoes. People are suffering and I need to remember the big picture. By the way, if you live in the Minneapolis area check out http://www.dangerousman.org/. My father-in-law wrote this book and is helping to host conferences for men. The next one is in Minneapolis February 23rd. How amazing if each one of us would be dangerous for the Lord! Speaking of which, I finished a really good book from the Voice of the Martys called "Hearts of Fire" about women in the underground church. Very inspiring. (See http://www.vombooks.com/)
Wow, that's enough babbling for today. Have a dangerous and not discouraged day. "Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always." Psalm 105:4