Sunday, April 6, 2014

Roller Coaster

Honestly, Noelle and I both love roller coasters. But I think we are both ready to get off this ride. It is full of ups and downs, emotionally and physically. Saturday morning I was excited when Noelle woke up and said that she wanted to go to the zoo.

It was an obvious wheelchair day. Noelle has been in a lot of pain. Our intention was that she would do a combination of walking and riding. That did not happen. She was in so much pain it was hard to watch her try to stand a few times to see the animals better.

I think we both returned to the hotel tired. It is hard to push a wheelchair for hours, especially up and down hills. The world does not realize how handicapped unfriendly it truly is. Opening animal gates, gravel surfaces, etc. make it exhausting. Then Noelle's pain became excruciating. It has done that a lot lately. Usually legs, sometimes arms. It is awful to watch her cry in pain and be able to do NOTHING. I have had to help her out of bed and to the bathroom multiple times this weekend.

As we left the zoo Noelle commented that all the people we were around had no idea how good they have it. You never do until you lose it. Just to be able to walk without pain. I feel so sad for the experiences that Noelle is missing. For the fact that leaving her bed is an achievement a lot of days. I pray and beg God to heal her, to give her back the life that she once had. I know that she will be an even better person than she was because of all she has had to endure.

We both lament the things that were, the things we would like to be. We are lucky to have many people that write and encourage us. Thank you so much! It means so much to us. I was reminded in one note of all that I miss about who I was. I struggle so much not to questions God. I struggle to find joy.

This is what I read: "I remember laughter and joy and such a deep desire among you to chase after and serve the Lord with your whole life. I pray you sense still that He is the God of all and how much you radiate His love."

I don't feel like I radiate His love any more. I feel like I am stuck in a survival mode. I feel like I am good at one thing right now. I do feel like I am a good caretaker. But I cannot handle more. Or at least I haven't figured that out. I desire to still be a good wife and mother to our other kids. I want to be a good friend. I miss serving others. My social anxieties have increased throughout this journey. It makes it hard to socialize when that opportunity presents itself. Scott said that he was having people over for dinner Friday and Saturday night and I honestly feel anxious every time I think about it, and I am obviously not even there! Once I would have said hospitality was one of my gifts.

Scott appears to be thriving without me home. It makes me wonder why I am so inadequate. Why I cannot handle more. One crisis and I am down for the count. I really want to know what God is trying to teach me. I need to learn more quickly. This drawn out process is killing me.

Say a prayer for every caretaker in your life right now. I cannot imagine those who have served in this capacity for years, decades. I need your prayers to reclaim the joy in my life. We need you to continue to stand with us in prayer and encouragement as we walk this path that God has allowed us to journey. Continue to pray specifically for Noelle's pain and anxiety. Friday marked the end of week 3. Weeks 4 and 5 are supposed to be the worst. SCARY! Our next doctor's appointment is on Thursday. We expect to have more test results at that time.

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